Secrets Out.

So Moms been really nice. Like extremely nice. She calls me all the time and when she talks to me its like she hasn't spoken to me in years. I'm not complaining at all. I was talking to my friend Jess about it and its pretty awesome that she well... cares. I think its because I've been seeing the local Doc about stuff and I guess that makes her pretty worried. I guess it would worry me too. Ya know, your own daughter seeing the head doc and now being on medication. Nothing serious. Whats been happening basically is that having social anxiety sucks..a lot. We all know everyone gets nervous infront of people. Sure, thats totally normal. Not me. I get really nervous. Extremely nervous. Whether its 30 people or only 1, I get so nervous that I can't function. Here's an awesome example (well it wasn't exactly awesome):
In my seminar class we sit in a huge circle. I hate sitting in circles. Why? Because everyone can see everybody. Every move you make is seen by the entire class. Then we have to share ideas..meaning we go around the entire circle and participate. Not only am I nervous about speaking infront of these people but I have 8 other people who are going before me. Every minute that goes by my heart pounds harder and harder (I swear my entire class can hear it). My body just freezes up and I physically can't move. I cant turn my head or lift my arm or run out of the class screaming (because I would). My chest feels like its going to cave in and it makes it extremely hard to breathe. Everything goes into tunnel vision. My body just shuts down. Anyway, its my turn to speak and every other word thats comes out of my mouth has to be repeated because I stutter all over. I cant look up at the teacher when she's talking to me about my response. I basically become a sixteenth century statue. This same situation happened a little while ago in a different setting. It lead to a panic attack and sitting on the floor of the girls bathroom ( you know, the way you sat in elementary school during a tornado drill).
This is the most embarrassing thing. I tried breathing techniques but it makes things worse. I've tried picturing people naked but at this age its just wrong and I'm pretty sure its illegal in 15 states. It's really nothing new since its been happening for...forever. So I finally took the huge step to get some help . Yes people, I'm seeing the psychiatrist...the head doctor if you will. He's a cool little man. Easy to talk to. Diagnosed me with Severe Social Anxiety Disorder. Awesome. He didn't prescribe me anything during the first meeting because he wanted me to go home and do some research. Smart man. So I googled for awhile, read up on my SAD (no not Seasonal Affective Disorder..totally wish it was the case though), and went back a week later. We talked about some stuff and then I got the golden ticket. The script. So I took the prescription straight to the closest RiteAid and got to it. I've been on these meds for a week and its already starting to help. I think it's even starting to help with my attention span too (or maybe its just me).
Anyway, I didn't want to tell my mom about it because she's already worried about me over something totally different. So I tell one of my sisters first since she is a nurse after all. It might not have been a great idea since she is also worried about me over the same thing as my mom ( I'll explain in another post). Nevertheless she tells her. Which I guess is ok because you shouldn't really keep secrets from your family. In the end, my mom has been really nice to me. Not saying that she isn't already. She just seems to care more these days. So I'm kind of enjoying it right now. Just waiting to see how long it lasts.

Heading home for the weekend.
Blog ya on the flip,
--X.


Next Post: What if you could see things that no one else can see? Or hear things that no one else can hear? You might be crazy but I'd say welcome to the club.