Secrets Out.

So Moms been really nice. Like extremely nice. She calls me all the time and when she talks to me its like she hasn't spoken to me in years. I'm not complaining at all. I was talking to my friend Jess about it and its pretty awesome that she well... cares. I think its because I've been seeing the local Doc about stuff and I guess that makes her pretty worried. I guess it would worry me too. Ya know, your own daughter seeing the head doc and now being on medication. Nothing serious. Whats been happening basically is that having social anxiety sucks..a lot. We all know everyone gets nervous infront of people. Sure, thats totally normal. Not me. I get really nervous. Extremely nervous. Whether its 30 people or only 1, I get so nervous that I can't function. Here's an awesome example (well it wasn't exactly awesome):
In my seminar class we sit in a huge circle. I hate sitting in circles. Why? Because everyone can see everybody. Every move you make is seen by the entire class. Then we have to share ideas..meaning we go around the entire circle and participate. Not only am I nervous about speaking infront of these people but I have 8 other people who are going before me. Every minute that goes by my heart pounds harder and harder (I swear my entire class can hear it). My body just freezes up and I physically can't move. I cant turn my head or lift my arm or run out of the class screaming (because I would). My chest feels like its going to cave in and it makes it extremely hard to breathe. Everything goes into tunnel vision. My body just shuts down. Anyway, its my turn to speak and every other word thats comes out of my mouth has to be repeated because I stutter all over. I cant look up at the teacher when she's talking to me about my response. I basically become a sixteenth century statue. This same situation happened a little while ago in a different setting. It lead to a panic attack and sitting on the floor of the girls bathroom ( you know, the way you sat in elementary school during a tornado drill).
This is the most embarrassing thing. I tried breathing techniques but it makes things worse. I've tried picturing people naked but at this age its just wrong and I'm pretty sure its illegal in 15 states. It's really nothing new since its been happening for...forever. So I finally took the huge step to get some help . Yes people, I'm seeing the psychiatrist...the head doctor if you will. He's a cool little man. Easy to talk to. Diagnosed me with Severe Social Anxiety Disorder. Awesome. He didn't prescribe me anything during the first meeting because he wanted me to go home and do some research. Smart man. So I googled for awhile, read up on my SAD (no not Seasonal Affective Disorder..totally wish it was the case though), and went back a week later. We talked about some stuff and then I got the golden ticket. The script. So I took the prescription straight to the closest RiteAid and got to it. I've been on these meds for a week and its already starting to help. I think it's even starting to help with my attention span too (or maybe its just me).
Anyway, I didn't want to tell my mom about it because she's already worried about me over something totally different. So I tell one of my sisters first since she is a nurse after all. It might not have been a great idea since she is also worried about me over the same thing as my mom ( I'll explain in another post). Nevertheless she tells her. Which I guess is ok because you shouldn't really keep secrets from your family. In the end, my mom has been really nice to me. Not saying that she isn't already. She just seems to care more these days. So I'm kind of enjoying it right now. Just waiting to see how long it lasts.

Heading home for the weekend.
Blog ya on the flip,
--X.


Next Post: What if you could see things that no one else can see? Or hear things that no one else can hear? You might be crazy but I'd say welcome to the club.

Hoping. Wishing. Waiting.

Hey friends! I haven't posted anything in a couple days. I know I know completely lame. I've been super busy with school things. No, that's a total lie. I've been procrastinating. Yes that is the truth. Always procrastinating I say! Don't worry though, I've been working on it. Anyway! Today was a very very good day. Why may you ask? Well it was a snow day and everyone knows that when you're in college snow days are few and far between. So I took full advantage of it- slept in, watch movies with the roommates, and did absolutely nothing. It was amazing. Best of all, its still snowing out! So there's possibly another snow day in the future. -Hoping.

I've been in the market for a new bass. Audrey and Summer are lonely and they want a new friend. I really didn't have any extra dinero to spend UNTIL I saw that I'm going to have a nice refund check coming back to me. chyah buddy. So all today I've been really searching for a new bass to add to my family of basses. I've been looking at Warwicks, Trabens, and possibly a Fender. I would really love to get and Warwick because not only do they make sick guitars and basses but my favorite bassist Emma Anzai (Sick Puppies) plays one. It's totally bad ass and the sound is just amazing. Price-wise, they are mucho expensive. Typically they run over a grand, so that it just out of my price range...for now.- Wishing.

The band I'm in right now has been going through a tough process of finding new members. We had to fire 3 members for different reasons which really sucks. We've getting back on track and found a drummer (who is pretty kick ass) and a lead guitar player (whos pretty nasty). We have 2 guys lined up for singers and we just have to audition them. Once we're got this last piece of the puzzle, we'll be good to go. I really want to start gigging again because I miss it. Playing out is hard also because bar owners are very stingy and picky about who they let play. So your band has to kick ass or they'll send you packing. -Waiting.

I should really get my brain back to doing school stuff. Catch you on the flip!

--X.

Mother..Nature! and Love Versus Cancer.

Hola mi amigos y amigas! (I cant make and upside-down exclamation point for the front of the sentence :( ) Today's an awesome and perfect day for a new post. Why may you ask? Because Mother Nature decided to fart out another blizzard, that's why. This is our second one of the winter season and typically we don't even get one. I'm actually happy about this one for two reasons: 1. I get out of work today. Well, I already took off for another reason but if I didnt already take off, I'd have off anyway. 2. I actually have a reason to stay in my pajamas the entire day without being looked at as a bum...ah feels so nice. So thanks Mother Nat for giving us this awesome blizzard (which will probably get up to about 3ft...well in my area). So I'm sitting here with an alcohalic beverage to my left, my iPhone to my right, and a brand new 42 inch HD flat screen TV right infront of me. My feet are up, my pjs are on, and life couldn't get any better.

So yeah that's what's going on right now.

On the other hand, I hate the snow. I hate everything about it. From the cold frozeness of it to the cold melted wetness you feel when you get some down the back of your shirt. OH and dont even get me started about driving in it. Your car gets stuck. I get like ten panic attacks during the ride. I always am preparing myself for a crash or getting used to the idea of damaging my car in some way ( my poor baby Roxy). I hate feeling trapped in my own home. Then it lingers for weeks up to months after. Its pretty when it falls but afterwards I am so over the whole thing.

On another note

My very best friend (yes, she is my best friend. I'm not just saying it because she is totally awesome) designed a new website for a new campaign called Love Verses Cancer. It is a great organization which started at the Fox Chase Cancer Center in Philadelphia, PA. So when I say she designed the website, I mean she designed the website. From the little links you click on, to the actual design of the logo, she made it. I mean EVERYTHING YOU SEE on that site is 100% made by Jess. She took every one of those pictures on the site. She even designed all of the e-cards. I am so proud of her. So check out http://www.loveversuscancer.org/ the actual launch is on Monday but the site is up and able to view. If you sign up (for free) you get a free pin (that Jess also designed). Its a great organization that helps to find cures for all different kinds of cancers. So that is defidently something to check out. Also if you watch the Today Show (in the Philly area) there is going to be more information on it. I believe the creater of the campaign will be on the show talking about it. So Kudos to Jessica Hui for doing an awesome and amazing job on the site!

Wow this was a long post...my fingers are cramped.

Blog ya on the flip-side!

-X

Decision Time.

Oh hey you're back! sweet. So I'm supposed to be sitting in Shakespeare class right about now but I decided to be a rebel for once and cut class. I do have my reasons though, I have other school work that needs to be done. I really shouldn't be here right now but I have a ton of stuff on my mind.--Hold that thought, my Pop Tarts are done--

OK back. These Pop Tarts are glorious. Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yeah decisions. So last night while I'm trying to fall asleep I get to thinking about stuff. Like do I really want to be going to school for this? Am I really that passionate about teaching? Will I get a job when I gradutate? Will I be happy? Its hard for me to answer any of those questions, and that my friend is scary. I feel like I should be all gun-ho about this but I'm not. I've pretty much have been going with the flow since I started college basically taking classes that I needed but not sure if I should even be here. Looking back I kind of wish I opened my eyes more because basically everyone and their moms (literally) are going into teaching. That annoys me so much. Like really? Are they in it to actually teach or do they just want summers off? I really don't know.

So now I'm thinking, where do I go from here? Whats my next step? I'm not actually in the teaching program just yet so I still have some time. If I knew sooner I'd be doing something with music but hey maybe I still can. I am just so confused with my life right now and I'm in the hole a couple grand (a couple? HA! more like a ton).

I'll keep you guys posted.

-X

First Post

Hello! Hola! Aloha! Well first post of the new blog (sweet). This blog isn't going to be dedicated to anything in particular nor is it going to be beautifully written. I write way to many papers that have to be perfect so I need a space where I can msitpye things, make run-on sentences, or sentences that aren't sentences at all. It'll probably be written the way it sounds in my head. So there, take that you grammar nazis out there! -Thats cool if you are though..not hating on any perfectionist out in the world. Anyway, here's a little about me..

A very smart man asked me one day what my Ikigai was (no the word isn't misspelled). I didn't know what that was but supposably it's what gets you up and out of bed in the morning. So I'm like "Duh my alarm clock. It's friggin' on the other side of the room so I have to get out of bed or the stupid thing'll keep beeping." Well that was the wrong answer and I got smacked in the head. Well sorta, just kidding about the second part. I had to think about the real answer to the question for awhile. Then it hit me like a friggin brick wall and woke me up out of a deep sleep. DUH It's music! I live for music. I love everything about it. I mean yeah there are certain songs and artist I don't totally love but hey its still music right? I love to play music. My fav fav fav fav favorite instrument is the bass. I've been playing for like...lets see...7 years now? yeah thats right. I actually picked up the guitar first and was like "ok there are to many strings to hold down at once...so i'll pass on this one." Then I hopped on bass thinking its was going to be easier. WRONGO! It was actually pretty hard. Why you may ask? Because I didn't want to be a boring bassist. I really hate playing chord notes through the entire song. It's so well...yeah boring. I like bassists that push the boundries like...Flea (Red Hot Chilli Peppers) and Emma ( Sick Puppies). They are my inspirations. Ok so what else do I play? Hmm when I kinda dabble in a few other things like keyboards( darn you sheri for moving away and taking that beautiful keyboard with you! I was starting to get the hang of it), guitar ( I know like..3 chords but thats all you need right? No? oh..), and Ukelele ( yep I am a proud owner of 2. One in which was my grandmoms).
Oh and I was a marching band nerd in high school--but we won't go there-.

I am also a huge gamer and I love technology. Don't be afraid of technology, well not yet.

Blog ya later.

^--clever right?


--Xtina

Follow me on Twitter at XtinaRocks.